“If You Don’t Stop, I’ll Make More Rules!” And Other Fun Threats That (Kinda Don’t) Work

I’m feeling particularly grumpy today. You know, just one of those days when you walk into school thinking, “Don’t mess with me today!!” I’m pretty sure it’s my sore throat and not the fact that there are dumb hearts  in otherwise professional-looking emails and that today the kids are encouraged to dress like people from an era that smoked pot most of the day. (It’s Spirit Week.) And ok. I haven’t had my morning poop yet. (Sigh. The things I sacrifice in the name of transparency!) All things considered, I thought I could hold it together.

And then I have my first period kids.

So I had to add another kid to my Algebra class. The longer a kid is out of my class, the worse it is because (a) my teaching strategy is significantly different from other teachers so the more he/she misses, the farther off target he/she is and (b) the class dynamic has to shift.

I’ve debated adding C to my class for months. He’s decently sharp so I tried tutoring him outside of his class. The final straw came when my tutor came in and told me that he picked it up fine one day, and then when the question came up again the next day, he acted like he’d never seen it before. The Blank Slate Syndrome, I call it. It’s like the doors of the school have a magnetic strip that wipe out all the memories of the day as they walk out.

I have rules for kids like C. He’s a good kid, but everyone needs boundaries, and he’s no exception. Sometimes these kids just need a life philosophy. Lucky for them, I’m here to help.

Rule #1: No complaining/whining. 

I hate whiners. All this “FIVE WHOLE QUESTIONS?! WHY?” stuff is inefficient and makes people lazy. Just do it. Just take life by the horns.

Rule #2: Answer questions with a “yes” or a “no.”

“Did you do the first question like I asked?” “Yeah, well, the thing is, I thought that…” Just say “yes” or “no.” Efficiency. I don’t want the excuses. In the end, it boils down to one syllable.  This applies to questions that may not be yes/no questions as well. (Me: “C, why were you late to class again?” C: (bewildered) “Yes… I mean, no! I mean…”) This does not always work.

Rule #3: Stick to business.

Distractions are inevitable. Especially since I work with a lot of kids with ADD/ADHD. I try to teach them strategies to manage their distractability. Work for 5 minutes. Let your mind do its thing for 2. Pull it back. Be in control. Work for 5. Slowly increase the time you work.

That’s it so far. I threaten to add more rules every once in a while and he gets a look of fear in his face. It’s easy to intimidate Freshmen. Especially when they think everything is either funny or scary. This it the “relationship building phase” with my first year students. They get away with little, they are on a short leash, and they think I’m too tough, but on the other hand they feel like they can talk to me about stuff and hear rumors that I’m funny and nice.

This is when I start making demands.  When I could get them to do what I want while I stand across the room. When they say things like, “That problem is tough,” and I can respond with, “Your face is tough!” and get away with it. When I can take out my spray bottle that I use for my bonsai tree and threaten to spray them with like they’re cats.

When by the time they’ve been with me for 4 years, I get really sad that they’ll leave me.

As for C in my class today, I already threatened to kick him right back into the other class. He’s normally pretty quiet, but the dynamic in my class is one of comfort and he’s already busting out of his shell.

Pray for me.