It wasn’t until the venue was booked and deposits were made when the news broke:
the cicadas are coming.
That’s right. These buggers waited seventeen years, patiently sleeping through all my important adult milestones to wreak havoc on the particular spring season that no one ever thought would come: my wedding spring.
My dad once put a cicada on my arm. He explained that it would be good for me. You know, to get over my #debilitatingfear. I don’t remember much of what happened, but there’s fight, flight, and freeze, and I think I did all of those. In reverse order, cuz you don’t fight a Korean dad. I have many cool ethnic tips like these, so stick around folks.
There is a legit site called “cicada wedding planner” and it is half helpful and half terrifying. It includes helpful tips like:consider renting a hall! Get good PA systems because cicadas can be loud! Cover your food in case they fly in! Be prepared to clean up their skin with a shop vac! Be prepared to step on cicada carcasses! Bagpipes are good for keeping them away!
Yes, I considered having bagpipes at my Korean/White-with-doses-of-German wedding.
Hopefully you can see this video. Which is not for the faint of heart. There is cicada eating. A child has a bucket of cicadas and their carcasses. There are bagpipes. There is much sadness. There is screaming. The kids seem to be having a good time.
OK, before all of you plan to stay away from this neck of the woods, some helpful tips the wonderful people around me have been reminding me: my venue barely has any trees. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.
I started warning everyone I saw about them: my wedding planner (by the way, this has been so far my best investment), my fiancee (both talk me off ledges continually), the florist (assures me there are birds who will think heaven has descended in larvae form) and dream-me who fights them in her sleep. These will be just the wait-and-see kinds of things. So if there is footage of me and my wedding party screaming like banshees, let that not forebode what is to come. But if there isn’t, as they say, I’ve got 99 other problems.